


I am seconds from breaking down

by lestibournes



Series: Did you see the sparks filled with hope? [3]
Category: Cosmere - Brandon Sanderson, Mistborn - Brandon Sanderson
Genre: Missing Scene, Other, WoA canon but from spook's pov, spook my boy u deserve the world ;-;
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:47:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23421901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lestibournes/pseuds/lestibournes
Summary: Spook's guilt and shame (set during WoA chapter 51)
Series: Did you see the sparks filled with hope? [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1652455
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	I am seconds from breaking down

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DriftingAlongTheWind](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DriftingAlongTheWind/gifts).



The day that Spook left the city of Luthadel with Elend and Vin and set his eyes on Clubs for the last time was the day he started flaring his tin. If he had to feel the intensity of his heartache, he would feel it with all of his senses.

Spook could feel the dried tears on his face. He had been crying while standing guard. He knew that tin didn’t make the pain he felt so deeply in his heart worse, but it felt like it did. And he had deserved this pain. He was a coward after all. When other crew members had stayed in Luthadel, he had run away. His immense guilt, he thought, would eat him alive.

He remembered so clearly when Clubs said goodbye to him. His uncle was never a sentimental person, but Spook knew it had almost broken him. Clubs never had children of his own, but Spook was, in every sense, his own son. Clubs saved him and raised him, the wild, incoherent boy who had been an outcast. He took him in, shielded him, protected him, hid him. And for that Clubs had earned his utmost trust.

But now Clubs was probably dead. He died in a city that never cared for him, never seeing his beloved shop again. Or Spook. Because Spook was too scared, too timid, he had abandoned his own uncle. That thought sliced through him like a cold wind. For that Spook believed he deserved all the pain he’d been feeling.

It’d been three days since they left Luthadel. By the time the red sun broke through the mists, the fire had already burned itself out. Spook was doing his morning scout. He could feel the fabric of his clothes wrapped tightly around his over-sensitive body. A wind picked up and whistled through the camp. The cold air made Spook’s eyes hurt, but he continued to flare his tin, the pain increased, he shivered.

Spook could hear Vin and Elend talking with his super hearing, but he wasn’t paying much attention. He could hear other movements, not from Vin. They had been followed, just like Vin suspected.

Spook walked back to the camp and saw Vin. “Someone’s definitely back there,” Spook said quietly, knowing Vin could hear him just fine. “Not spirits, Vin. Five men, with a camp.”

“Following us?” Spook nodded. “They must be.”

“We’ll let Elend decide what to do about them.” They decided to wait instead of waking Elend up. Vin started to build a fire using the woods they had collected the day before.

-

“I’m sorry. I’m a coward.” Spook’s own words echoed in his mind, loud as a thunderclap, accusing him, taunting him, breaking his heart in half again.

Elend stood in front of him, tall as a Koloss, a sword in his hand, still dripping blood. Spook flinched and closed his eyes. He didn’t want to look at Elend—he knew what he would have seen in those eyes: disappointment and shame like his own father’s all those years ago. Spook wondered if Clubs was disappointed in him too. He probably could’ve seen it in his uncle’s eyes too if Spook hadn’t been crying and let his tears blur his vision. _I did agree to leave too quickly… a coward. Was Clubs even surprised?_

Kneeling in the snow, Spook flared his tin, feeling each and every single one of his senses except for sight. Hearing, smell, taste and touch. And pain, pain, pain. He found him short of breath, his muscle tight, heart rate increasing and there was a sick feeling to his stomach. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry…” He whispered to himself, voice so quiet that he knew Elend wouldn’t hear him.

“I’m not going to hurt you, Spook,” Elend finally said. “I’m just ashamed of you.” Spook kept his eyes closed, afraid of what he might or might not see. His eyes were still closed, he was imagining how things could’ve turned out differently if he wasn’t such a coward. _I failed… I failed everyone… I took their savior away..._

“They’re all dead...” Spook mumbled, his tone sounded so defeated. Vin had taken off with a flare of pewter; she had planned to run her way back to Luthadel. _If she went back, she’d probably die too… Like everyone else in that city I had abandoned._ Spook felt powerless, his body rocking back and forth in the snow helplessly, tears falling down his cheeks.

Out of nowhere, in the ruthless cold, Spook felt something warm. Elend’s hand on his shoulder.

“Come on, Spook.” Elend said softly. Spook allowed himself to be pulled up. Elend put Spook’s left arm around his shoulder and his right arm firmly steadied Spook on his waist. There they went, on foot, slowly on their way back for those they loved.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry this isn't my best work aaaaa anyway spook...please let me give you a hug


End file.
